How Commas Are Killing Us!

A Modest Punctuation Proposal: Death to Commas

When you read a sentence that includes a comma, you’re supposed to pause at the comma, and you probably do. And when you pause, you are not reading. That means that you are breathing, but you are not actually doing any reading. And while you are breathing, you are exhaling carbon dioxide into the air. So, if we made commas illegal, then every comma removal would result in 1/10 per second less time spent reading the sentence. And that much less carbon dioxide in Earth’s atmosphere. That may seem like a small amount of and planet-killing carbon, but not so, as you will soon see!

The Tragedy of the Commas

“Comma misuse is a common occurrence. If a writer puts in too many commas, then information that should be connected becomes separated, confusing the reader.”

“Commas”, Center for Writing, University of Minnesota

Yes, without doubt, commas are confusing. But also deadly! Ask yourself, are we really willing to burn our planet to cinders and watch millions of species of animals become extinct, for the sake of some confusing punctuation marks?

How Commas Kill

The unquestionable consensus of millions of studies done by punctuation scientists is that the average page of text has up to four thousand commas. And, worldwide, over ten tera-quadrillion pages of text are produced annually, perhaps even daily. This means that in one year, humans spend over a billion trillion minutes pausing for commas. Or hours, maybe. According to recent studies done by suddenly-funded punctuation scientists. And meanwhile, as you pause to read commas like these, you are, of course, needlessly breathing deadly carbon dioxide into our planet’s atmosphere. The time has come for government to stop you from doing that.

End the Global Comma Catastrophe Now

Firstly, we are demanding a Carbon Tax on Commas. Subsequently, laws would require the removal of the comma keys from all keyboards, leaving the ‘<’ on those keys, alone. Thus, the ‘<’ could be used to separate items in a series, a job currently done by commas, but one which does not result in deadly pauses. All word processing software would be required, by law, to have code added which would automatically delete commas that somehow found their way into text by other means.  

All books containing commas will be burned. Eventually, all comma usage, such as in handwriting, would become a crime punishable by a fine of $10,000, per comma. Probably though, some right-wing fascist writers would still continue to use commas. So, ultimately, the use of commas would be punishable by the death penalty. Yes, that may seem harsh. But are the lives of a few thousand, or tens of thousands, of inbred, hillbilly MAGA-hatted, conservitards too high a price to pay to save the planet? You know the answer.

“How many commas are too many commas?”

“When a sentence has more than three commas, there's a good chance that it's too complicated.”

Quora

The best answer to that question is, of course: Any commas are too many commas!

But, you may object, we ourselves used commas in this article. Isn't that hypocrisy? When our proposal is made into law, government regulators would still be allowed to use commas, of course. So would some leftist authors, as necessary. Hypocrisy is not a problem for the people who oppose climate change.

Anyway, no. Our use of commas above was for illustration purposes, only, anyway.

Because, here is the same article, without commas.

In other words here is the same article without commas.

When you read a sentence which includes a comma you pause at the comma. And when you pause you are not reading. That means that you are breathing but you not actually doing any reading. And while you are breathing you are exhaling carbon dioxide into the air.

So if we made commas illegal every comma removal would result in 1/10 per second less time spent reading the sentence. That may seem like a small amount of time but not when you realize that the text produced by writing ...

“Comma misuse is a common occurrence. If a writer puts in too many commas then information that should be connected becomes separated confusing the reader.”

“Commas” Center for Writing University of Minnesota

https://writing.umn.edu/sws/quickhelp/punctuation/commas.html

Yes without doubt commas are confusing. And deadly. Ask yourself are we really willing planet burn our planet to cinders and watch millions of species of animals become extinct for the sake of some confusing punctuation marks?

The unquestionable consensus of millions of studies done by punctuation scientists is that the average page of text has up to four thousand commas. And worldwide over a gazillion trillion pages of text are produced annually perhaps even daily. This means that in one year humans spend over a billion trillion minutes pausing for commas. Or one hour maybe. It’s possible according to recently suddenly-funded punctuation scientists. And meanwhile as you pause to read commas like these you are needlessly breathing deadly carbon dioxide into our planet’s atmosphere. The time has come to stop you from doing that.

Firstly we are demanding a Carbon Tax on Commas.

But eventually all comma usage would become a crime punishable by a fine of $10 000 per comma. Probably though some right-wing fascist writers would still continue to use commas. So ultimately the use of commas would be punished by the death penalty. Yes that may seem harsh. But are the lives of a few thousand inbred MAGA-hatted conservitard too high a price to pay to save the planet? You know the answer.

“How many commas are too many commas?”

“When a sentence has more than three commas there's a good chance that it's too complicated.”

The best answer to that question is of course: Any commas are too many commas!

But you may object we used commas in this article. Isn't that well hypocrisy? When our proposal is made into law government regulators would still be allowed to use commas of course. So would some leftist authors as necessary. Hypocrisy is not a problem for them ever.

Anyway no. Our use of commas above was for illustration purposes only.

There. Was that so hard? Having read that don’t you feel better already? Now you can stop using commas and breathe a little easier and less frequently knowing that you are preventing Barack Obama’s seaside mansions from being inundated as a result of man-made climate change just because you couldn’t stop using deadly commas!!! You PLANET KILLING SCUM!!!!!!!!!